A month ago I asked for some advice and feedback on telling my wife about my blog. We really try to keep things out in the open in our relationship as we have both had some breaches of trust in the early years of our marriage. My blog “Looking For Chris” and the corresponding email I set up, lookingforchris69@gmail.com, are in clear violation of that implicit trust. We both know this in our relationship. We share all passwords and have open access to e-mails, Facebook accounts, phones, etc.
I was glad (and not surprised) to hear that many of you also have private/secret blogs. But for me, I am just not comfortable keeping secret this from my wife. I know if she stumbled on it she would feel a great breach of trust. Therefore, after considering options, I have resolved to tell her. One great suggestion was that she actually contribute at times to my posts, and I have considered that.
I hope to keep this space very personal. I hope she will understand the value it has been for me on so many levels. I hope I will still feel free to write knowing she will read what I have read.
Today, I’ll start reading through all my posts to find those places (and I know they are there) where I have been rude, cynical or otherwise disrespectful to my wife and “edit” that content. I have over sixty entries now, so this could take a while.
Then I will share with Marie, the truth about our secret relationship. I will ask for privacy and her understanding.
This is where I am. I appreciate anyone who can add some more insight to this developing plan.
Looking for Chris 
Wow. Very brave. I hope she doesn’t see us as the “other woman” because I don’t feel that we are, but she might. You’re good at leaping toward what you feel is right and sometimes uncomfortable. It will work out. Good luck.
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You are right to be concerned. I know she will be uncomfortable with the closeness and transparency we develop here
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I didn’t tell my wife at first because there were some things I was writing about that were just too personal, ironically, and the anonymity of blogging was preferable. When I did tell her, she was hurt that I didn’t trust her. Be prepared for your wife’s hurt feelings and sense of emotional betrayal. It won’t be easy but I understand why you wanted to keep it private.
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This is exaclty the senerio and what my expectation is. I have wondered at a better way to have done this from the start, but I can’t think of one.
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I suspect that it might be because want this blog to be exclusively yours. It be selfish but also might be preferable. You talked about invitinginput from your wife but will that negate the need for that exclusivity? You will have to tell her, too be sure. A secret like this can have undesirable consequences. The sooner that you her the better. AND NO editing! Talk about an avenue to possible disaster! Better to beg forgiveness for something that she can see.
Just my opinion. Have a day!
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Thanks – this is sort of an old post, bust still haven’t told her.
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Honestly, if you have to edit your thoughts and feelings on your own blog…well, doesn’t swem healthy to me. But then I use my blog to be completely raw and open. May not be for everyone. ♡
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Completely agree. It’s part of the struggle I’ve had. In the end for me the trust factor has own out over the benefit of the rawness. I’m hoping it doesn’t change too much
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I commend you for leaning towards this step. I think that she might be hurt at first but she should be understanding. I also think that it is great that you plan to ask her to contribute to the blog.
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Thank you so much for the encouragement. I think you are right on all counts!
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I think its the right thing to do (telling her). No matter how hurt and bad she feels it will be nothing compared to her finding out on her own ,( or to keep feeling you are keeping something from her. ) And then the harm in the relationship will be worse. Best of grace
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Thank you. There is a good saying, bad news doesn’t get better with time.
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Tough one. I am a believer that you don’t necessarily have to declare and share everything under the sun to have a healthy relationship. But if you feel guilt about it, then you should probably tell and let the chips fall where they fall.
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Thanks. this is a pretty strong agreement we have together.
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Definitely share this with your wife and do it as soon as possible. You’re on the right track with this. You will be surprised at how close this will bring you two. She may initially feel hurt but yall will work through it.
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Thank you, I’m on the path to doing this and actually hopeful and the opened possibilities for communication. Thank you!
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Hi Chris . . .
Wow . . . perhaps this is a door to opening (or re-opening) a deeper trust.
You share a lot of deeply personal emotion here – and this blog is clearly a path to growth for you. One of the dynamics of the relationship I have with my partner of 35+ years is openness. It’s magic. I love sharing my online writings with him – but for you it’s a bit different I suspect.
The more we know ourselves, the better we are at relationship with others.
In “LookingForChris” – and perhaps finding pieces of him that have been hiding – I get the sense your relationship with Marie is evolving through this. But I’m also sure the fact that you are shaing so openly will be uncomfortable for her.
In the end, the ability for the two of you to share the evolution of yourselves is what being soul-mates is about
If your writing here is a step along that path, however rocky it may be . . . it is a blessing.
May you live in blessing.
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Thanks Jeff- I know you are right on so many levels. It has been a long continuing journey for us and we are amazed at each new year and new layer that is uncovered.
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Hello, I have stopped by as you left a comment on candidkay.
From what I gleaned from flicking through your posts, you have really found some self- strength by blogging. There are also posts that could upset your wife. While a good marriage is built on trust, I also believe that one has to be healed and strong within to be able to bring the best to the table for the sake of the marriage. To reveal the blog to your wife may destroy that healing place for you. I suggest that you tell your therapist about the blog and how beneficial it is. Ask him / her whether you should or should not reveal it to your wife.
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Thank you for the good advice. I have an appointment this week. I will definitely talk about this!! Thank you also for stopping by and taking time!!
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Good for you for taking that step. Finding a balance between honesty and your freedom to express yourself without needing to explain your words may be difficult but doable.
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“Balance” I think is exactly the right word for what I hope. Thank you
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As we are new to this arena, I only want to encourage you to follow the leading that Christ is giving you. I have enjoyed getting to read your posts as your writing is very open and honest, along with relate-able. You will know the right step when the time is perfect. It’s not much different from having a best-mate who would listen and share all aspects of life. I have several girlfriends who would fit that bill, and heard MUCH from me during my tenure with my ex. Sometimes, we need others to “hear” us, to share with an outside understanding and compassion. I would also liken the blog to opening a book and reading about the life of another character – we enrich ourselves being inside of another experience. Blessings to you!
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First thank you so much for your kindness, your words humble me. Next, I think this is a great perspective on this thank you! I guess the one caveat as I re-read and consider, is that this is a friend who is secret from her. It’s one thing to have a best friend and to talk intimately, it’s another thing if that best friend is purposely a secret. I like your analogy a lot – just trying to figure out how to balance it with disclosure. Again, thank you.
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Good for you !! I agree with your thought process. It’s better to be open and forthcoming rather than have her feel surprised that you would hide a piece of yourself (an important piece because it’s your thoughts and emotions ) from her.
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Hi Chris, I would like you to know how much I enjoy your blog – as you put so much raw emotion into it, and you are a man. That’s important. Also, I really think you should let go of the stereotypes and just give yourself a good cry or two or three. You’ll feel a hell of a lot better.
I also saw this post a bit ago, but have really been thinking on it since then. I know that my husband (soon to be ex, if that means anything to you) kept a lot of secrets from me, and part of the hurtful stuff was that they had to be “found out” rather than him coming clean. Your wife will eventually catch wind of the blog and it’s content, and the longer it goes on unbeknownst to her, the more it will hurt her. If you worry that the content will hurt her, well, it’s the truth no? Truth hurts, but so do lies, and it will give you guys more stuff to work out in counseling, and get off the table. I don’t think you should edit it before she reads it. It’ll hurt but will be better that way.
Remember too that a blog isn’t another woman. You state explicitly in your posts that you guys are going through some hard times, but that you are not willing to give up. That’s important. Just the fact that you are writing about your marriage proves that it is important to you. You’re not watering someone else’s garden, you are still working damn hard on yours, and giving it an awful lot of thought. I condone you.
Lastly (sorry this is so lengthy), a blog is public. If your thoughts really need to be private and kept secret, you should keep a handwritten journal, or make your blog private. As such, she actually has the propensity to happen upon it at any time, you know. By putting it out there, you have self-helped yourself, yes, but perhaps somewhere in you, you also wanted her to find out. As my husband once told me, “Anyone who cheats does it hoping the other will find out.” Well, F*** him, but his words stayed with me at any rate… And he ended up eating them anyhow.
Good luck to you, and don’t give up!
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Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. I really don’t care if people find this blog, but I certainly don’t think your (ex) husband is correct. I do think you are correct though, that’s it’s better to tell her, and sooner than later.
On crying, I know I’ve said at least once I don’t cry cause I’m a man. But the truth is I’d love a good cry, but it just doesn’t happen. My eyes just won’t cry. Once about a year and a half ago I cried like I hasn’t since I was a child, but since then, nothing. It’s kind of my problem. I appreciate you seeing emotion in my posts, because I kind of just feel numb a lot.
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A few years ago, going through hard times with Chepe, I couldn’t cry either, it just wouldn’t come, so, I understand. I wish you all the best of luck, and will keep stopping over to see how things progress.
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Ty! Looking forward to traveling with you for a while.
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The tears will fall when it is time, my friend
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I am late to the conversation. I just found my way to your blog today (following your like). I did not not tell my wife about my blog at first. But I knew she would find, or notice my behavior eventually. So I told her about it. I also warned her that there will be material on the blog that she does not know about and that I would never talk about.. But I explained that I needed this outlet. Over the last 40 years, I have been holding in too much. Too many old memories and secrets. It needed to come out. Sometimes she reads it and she will occasionally ask about something. We’ll talk about it and it’s good. It feels good to share. Sometimes, she reads and she gets scared or upset. We’ll talk about this, too. Most time, she just reads something else. Kind of like my blog is a conversation with myself and she politely lets the convo proceed without interrupting. This helps me stay free and open with my writing. I write for myself and don’t think about what others may think.
We have never met, so I know I have not earned the privilege of sharing something like this. However, there are not many men with blogs, so I figured I might be ok to pitch in. I think you are doing the right thing. The fact that you are concerned shows that you care for your wife. Can you mention that you have a blog that you are writing as an outlet? Invite her to read it, but warn her before hand. And just keep telling/showing her how much you love her.
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Thanks for the input. All this is what I hope when I tell her. Funny you are just now sharing this, I came close just today to telling her about it.
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It was not exactly easy. There were several times that I panicked and was tempted to shut it down or change the address. But eventually we both settled into our lanes. Curiosity versus openess balanced out. Things are cool now.
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Ive been wanting to tell her for several months as you can see. I think it’s about time. I think it takes a time when we are both in a good place .
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