christian

Sunday Sundries

I came home yesterday afternoon and my wife, Marie, was watching TV and crying. “Where have you been?” She said. “The Notebook is on.” 

Secretly I was glad it was the last scene and didn’t have to watch it all. “I recorded it,” she announced.

. . . Later with a bottle of wine we watched it again.

Genesis 2:18 “It is not God for man to be alone.”

We find completion in life only as we love and are loved in return.Find someone to share your life with and love each other well. 

I’m back, not sure why?

I’m not sure why I’m here, but I am. I’m back on the blog and glad to be back . . . I think. 

It’s been almost a whole year since I’ve written anything – a year since I’ve been on WP at all. I got out of the hospital exactly a year ago. Seems like a dream from another world.

It wasn’t easy to get here. Looking For Chris has a unique password and a unique email with a different password. I couldn’t remember either so I had to go through a few layers of password to retrieval. All this to say I WANTED to get back in. It was a yearning of sorts that came on quickly, a thirst to be satisfied.

Why am I back? Why the yearning? I’m not sure to be honest.

I wanted to write I guess. I hope that’s a good thing, but I’m wary. I’ve been feeling good. My wife Marie and I are doing well. Our family is well. For the last several months signs of depression have been at bay. 

But the last few weeks I’ve been feeling it again. The lack of desire . . . for life, not wanting to do anything and not caring what happens. Maybe that’s why I’m back – crawling into myself again, feeling lonely for no reason, feeling insecure when things are going well.

I think I left to heal. I was feeling somewhat narcissistic and secretive in my approach. I hope this will be different. I hope now to write more for myself and less for others. I hope to find a “So What?” in what I write – helpful to me, maybe for you too. 

I’ll say it again, I’m wary, but here I am . . . nice to be with you all again. 🙂

Sex over Sexless

Seems like almost a complete comeback! That’s right fellow bloggers and sex enthusiasts it’s back! 

[This post is probably at least PG-13]

 I wrote a post earlier this Fall called Sexless in which I exposed my almost complete lack of libido for the last few years.

I have struggled with a couple of episodes of major depression during this time and the libido issue was certainly related. I had really almost no desire at all and this was adding to marital difficulties. I shared this concern repeatedly with my medical providers. 

Last month during a 5 week intensive in-patient program, I changed fro Prozac to Welbutrin and BAM! Almost immediately there was a change. 

During the first week I started getting erections again in the early mornings. This is a normal thing that happens to most guys daily. It had become a rare occurance for me. 

As the Prozac diminished (the doc said it takes about 6-8 weeks to be completely out of my system) my sex drive came back. 

I’ve been thinking again about making love to my wife while we are apart during the day and defiantly following through when we are together! She is pleased! 

  
I know we are not alone in struggling as a couple with lack of desire. There are many reasons for this to happen and we explored several including many blood tests for thyroid, testosterone, and other issues.

This is just one of many of the benefits I gained during treatment. So glad I chose hospitalization! 

Sunday Sundries: What is God Doing?

  
A continuation of last week’s Sunday Sundries: What is God doing here, and how can I be a part? 

God is always at work, always involved. We might not like that he lets things happen sometimes and I don’t want to get into good and evil in a Sundry post.

But know in the good, and in the bad, and in the indifferent He is at work. Changing YOU the believer to be more like Christ. 

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion” Philippians 1:6

What My Depression Feels (Felt) Like

I wrote this on my first day of inpatient treatment last month. It seems like a different world. Thankfully I am no longer in this place in my mind and hope to not go back! 

What Depression Feels Like

To me depression feels like nothing, nothingness. A heavy nothing to walk through, to look at, to listen to and to carry.

Depression is negative energy. It pulls the life from life, takes the joy from joy, takes the love from love; the result is death and sorrow and loneliness – and nothing. 

There is no purpose to life, to living, to even trying; try for what? 

Meaningless, meaningless . . . 

So I like to sleep. Sleep is nothing. I don’t dream much anymore. I like to drink. It removes sorrow and loneliness and leaves a feeling of dreamy ambivalence. 

To me, sometimes it feels like I’m floating in space. Head floating. Brain floating or being slowly pressed. Pressure . . . 

My chest feels the same, like I’m out of breath, but breathing isn’t a problem, it’s floating pressure. 

Sleep is the cure, the escape.

My brain feels full, like an overfilled Tupperware, pressing on the lid and contents overflowing, squeezing out. Memory is sporadic, concentration comes and goes. Reading and writing are a diversion from reality.  

Concentration for decision-making is hard. Distractions are time killers. To refocus and get back on task takes immense effort. 

Productivity has declined to almost non-existent. There’s no point to start. The finished product is meaningless. I can sit and just stare for hours, in nothingness, then sleep. 

Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wake up, or I’d just die in some way. Living is a drudge, like walking through mud, heavy, pointless, meaningless, nothing. __________________

I’m no longer at this place. But I want to remember it. I’m still cleaning the mud off my shoes and know the danger still exists. I’m fighting for my life and for my family and for my Creator. 

I have a lot to live for. A lot to work for.