blogging

I’m back, not sure why?

I’m not sure why I’m here, but I am. I’m back on the blog and glad to be back . . . I think. 

It’s been almost a whole year since I’ve written anything – a year since I’ve been on WP at all. I got out of the hospital exactly a year ago. Seems like a dream from another world.

It wasn’t easy to get here. Looking For Chris has a unique password and a unique email with a different password. I couldn’t remember either so I had to go through a few layers of password to retrieval. All this to say I WANTED to get back in. It was a yearning of sorts that came on quickly, a thirst to be satisfied.

Why am I back? Why the yearning? I’m not sure to be honest.

I wanted to write I guess. I hope that’s a good thing, but I’m wary. I’ve been feeling good. My wife Marie and I are doing well. Our family is well. For the last several months signs of depression have been at bay. 

But the last few weeks I’ve been feeling it again. The lack of desire . . . for life, not wanting to do anything and not caring what happens. Maybe that’s why I’m back – crawling into myself again, feeling lonely for no reason, feeling insecure when things are going well.

I think I left to heal. I was feeling somewhat narcissistic and secretive in my approach. I hope this will be different. I hope now to write more for myself and less for others. I hope to find a “So What?” in what I write – helpful to me, maybe for you too. 

I’ll say it again, I’m wary, but here I am . . . nice to be with you all again. 🙂

Sunday Sundries: What is God Doing?

  
A continuation of last week’s Sunday Sundries: What is God doing here, and how can I be a part? 

God is always at work, always involved. We might not like that he lets things happen sometimes and I don’t want to get into good and evil in a Sundry post.

But know in the good, and in the bad, and in the indifferent He is at work. Changing YOU the believer to be more like Christ. 

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion” Philippians 1:6

Back to the Grind

Hi all!!!! Well fellow bloggers and WP enthusiasts, I’m back from the lone star state and my inpatient treatment for depression. I ended up staying 5 weeks and it was a very beneficial time! 

  
I so much appreciate those of you who have checked in and especially for the prayer I know some of you offered on my behalf. The bonds we form as people – even through the cyber world – are always amazing to me! 

I’ve been back home for a week now and trying to figure out how to reenage with my blog. Not sure why this has been a challenge, but this morning I thought I’d just dive in with no agenda. 

I haven’t read any of my previous posts from before I left but I’m feeling like I did a lot of whinning and complaining before. Not sure if that is actually true, but it’s my recollection. In any event I’d like to take a more positive approach so will work on that. 😉

One of the changes I have worked on is being more open with my wife, Marie. I was able to communicate home daily during my stay. At first we fell into our old pattern of me withdrawing and her pursuing and then getting frustrated and angry with me and me withdrawing even more. 

About half way through my stay, my therapist at the hospital had me call her during a session and tell her some things about my depression that I hadn’t shared with her. Maybe I hadn’t shared some of these things with you either.

For the last three (plus) years I had frequent, almost constant thoughts that I didn’t want to go on living – that I’d like to just go to sleep and not wake up – dreading another 40 years of life. 

More recently, late in the summer I began having more intrusive thoughts of suicide. I didn’t want to act on these and didn’t have any plan, but these thoughts continued to grow. 

I really and truly have been close enough to others in my profession to witness how devistating suicide is to families and friends. I liken it to taking that person’s problems and giving them all to each of the people close to him and thus exploding the same suffering exponentially to others. 

I would not place this burden on my family. This is what really led me to seek more intensive treatment. 

Since then, I have felt so much more open with Marie and she has been receptive, supportive and loving. This has continued since I’ve been home. But almost more important I have been turning to her and opening up to her (which I think maybe is all she wanted in the first place). It has felt good to open up to her and she has listened well. I hope this is something we can continue to build on. 

More importantly, I have been for drawing closer to God the last 2 months; closer than I have been in a long time. With nothing to do but work on myself for so long, I picked up the bible … for me. I read for me, and started falling in love again. More in this later!

It’s good to be back fellow bloggers and friends!  

Grace and Peace!! 

T -4 days to admission

If you read my post In-Patient Treatment a Go then you know why I bought this nice new pair of [laceless] Skechers!


Next week I’ll enter a month long inpatient treatment facility for depression. I’m looking forward to going. I look forward to times away. I recognize this isn’t healthy, but it’s true.

Therapy appointment coming up this morning. My “friend” Dr. S is all over me (In a therapeutic way!) She asked me last time if I want to stay married? “Not always”

Is the reason you stay married because of religious beliefs? “Partly, my parents have been married for over 50 years. I have a fundamental belief in marriage.”

Why did you get married? “How much time do you have? We had fun together, great sex, I felt a sense of obligation toward her and her kids after a while, I probably had some sort of savior complex seeing a woman in distress.”

I love my wife. I give her a bad rap on my blog because I don’t give you all the good stuff. She isn’t selfish, in fact she gives of herself in service to our family and others tirelessly.

Is there something called Emotionally Selfish? I wonder which one of us fits this title?

Well fellow bloggers and marital sanity enthusiasts, this is not at all the direction I was intending to take this morning.

This should be enough fodder to satisfy your insatiable appetite for at least a little while!