anxiety

I’m back, not sure why?

I’m not sure why I’m here, but I am. I’m back on the blog and glad to be back . . . I think. 

It’s been almost a whole year since I’ve written anything – a year since I’ve been on WP at all. I got out of the hospital exactly a year ago. Seems like a dream from another world.

It wasn’t easy to get here. Looking For Chris has a unique password and a unique email with a different password. I couldn’t remember either so I had to go through a few layers of password to retrieval. All this to say I WANTED to get back in. It was a yearning of sorts that came on quickly, a thirst to be satisfied.

Why am I back? Why the yearning? I’m not sure to be honest.

I wanted to write I guess. I hope that’s a good thing, but I’m wary. I’ve been feeling good. My wife Marie and I are doing well. Our family is well. For the last several months signs of depression have been at bay. 

But the last few weeks I’ve been feeling it again. The lack of desire . . . for life, not wanting to do anything and not caring what happens. Maybe that’s why I’m back – crawling into myself again, feeling lonely for no reason, feeling insecure when things are going well.

I think I left to heal. I was feeling somewhat narcissistic and secretive in my approach. I hope this will be different. I hope now to write more for myself and less for others. I hope to find a “So What?” in what I write – helpful to me, maybe for you too. 

I’ll say it again, I’m wary, but here I am . . . nice to be with you all again. ūüôā

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Sex over Sexless

Seems like almost a complete comeback! That’s right fellow bloggers and sex enthusiasts it’s back! 

[This post is probably at least PG-13]

 I wrote a post earlier this Fall called Sexless in which I exposed my almost complete lack of libido for the last few years.

I have struggled with a couple of episodes of major depression during this time and the libido issue was certainly related. I had really almost no desire at all and this was adding to marital difficulties. I shared this concern repeatedly with my medical providers. 

Last month during a 5 week intensive in-patient program, I changed fro Prozac to Welbutrin and BAM! Almost immediately there was a change. 

During the first week I started getting erections again in the early mornings. This is a normal thing that happens to most guys daily. It had become a rare occurance for me. 

As the Prozac diminished (the doc said it takes about 6-8 weeks to be completely out of my system) my sex drive came back. 

I’ve been thinking again about making love to my wife while we are apart during the day and defiantly following through when we are together! She is pleased! 

  
I know we are not alone in struggling as a couple with lack of desire. There are many reasons for this to happen and we explored several including many blood tests for thyroid, testosterone, and other issues.

This is just one of many of the benefits I gained during treatment. So glad I chose hospitalization! 

What My Depression Feels (Felt) Like

I wrote this on my first day of inpatient treatment last month. It seems like a different world. Thankfully I am no longer in this place in my mind and hope to not go back! 

What Depression Feels Like

To me depression feels like nothing, nothingness. A heavy nothing to walk through, to look at, to listen to and to carry.

Depression is negative energy. It pulls the life from life, takes the joy from joy, takes the love from love; the result is death and sorrow and loneliness – and nothing. 

There is no purpose to life, to living, to even trying; try for what? 

Meaningless, meaningless . . . 

So I like to sleep. Sleep is nothing. I don’t dream much anymore. I like to drink. It removes sorrow and loneliness and leaves a feeling of dreamy ambivalence. 

To me, sometimes it feels like I’m floating in space. Head floating. Brain floating or being slowly pressed. Pressure . . . 

My chest feels the same, like I’m out of breath, but breathing isn’t a problem, it’s floating pressure. 

Sleep is the cure, the escape.

My brain feels full, like an overfilled Tupperware, pressing on the lid and contents overflowing, squeezing out. Memory is sporadic, concentration comes and goes. Reading and writing are a diversion from reality.  

Concentration for decision-making is hard. Distractions are time killers. To refocus and get back on task takes immense effort. 

Productivity has declined to almost non-existent. There’s no point to start. The finished product is meaningless. I can sit and just stare for hours, in nothingness, then sleep. 

Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wake up, or I’d just die in some way. Living is a drudge, like walking through mud, heavy, pointless, meaningless, nothing. __________________

I’m no longer at this place. But I want to remember it. I’m still cleaning the mud off my shoes and know the danger still exists. I’m fighting for my life and for my family and for my Creator. 

I have a lot to live for. A lot to work for. 

Don’t Cut Down That Bush!

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I almost cried in church yesterday (OK truth is I did cry —¬†a tear or two).

If you have been following my blog, you may know that I’d really, REALLY like to have a good cry. I’ve been getting closer and closer recently, but still just a little choked up is the best that has come.

Yesterday we had a guest preacher, the president of a nearby Christian college, who offered the following illustration (and I hope he’ll excuse my embellishments):

A man had a rosebush in the back of his yard which was planted a little too close to the fence. But he care for the rosebush, tending, pruning, feeding, and protecting it in the winter. But year after year the man was only rewarded with one or two blooms for all his effort. Finally, one summer he was fed up with the rose bush and intended to cut it down, dig up the roots, and start again with something more suitable for the location.

As he walked down toward the fence with his tools, his neighbor called from her screened in porch on the other side of the fence, inquiring as to his intentions. He explained he was preparing to rid himself of what he had come to consider a bush of thorns. The older woman pleaded, for him first to come to sit with her on her porch and have a glass of tea.

The man was annoyed already with the bush, and now with the further interruption; not wanting to offend his shut-in neighbor, he acquiesced. As he sat on her porch, he saw that her yard was mostly untended, but for the most fabulous rose bush he had ever seen which had come under their common fence and flourished on her side of the fence.

She explained that since her husband had died and she could no longer care for her yard like he used to, this was the only thing of beauty she could see from her porch. She begged him not to cut the bush as she enjoyed sitting and looking at the magnificent blooms, and on occasion, she would get a subtle hint of their scent.

Unknown to him, his care for the bush for so many years had produced for the older woman the only thing of beauty she could see for most of her day.

The reason this affected me so greatly, is I have come so close recently to cutting down my rose bush Рthinking it merely a bush of thorns. My ambition is the serve the Lord, and I have not always seen the fruit of this labor. Lately, He has been offering me reminders like this, that the unseen is often more important that what is seen.

The second part to this story, is that¬†I actually shared my deep emotional response¬†with my wife.¬†This is something¬†I am really trying to work on, letting Marie into my private “man world.” Over the last several weeks I have realized just how closed off to her i have been – this is on me and I’m trying to correct it.

 

God, What Are You Doing? Sunday Sundries

A long time ago a wise person told me that I can do almost nothing for everyone in the world who are hurting. 

I also can’t fix the hurting who are close to me in my world, nor do I even have complete control over my own life. 

The best I can do is to ask God, “What are you doing here, and how can I be a part of it?”

Somewhere along the road, I tried to take on the role of God in my own life and the life of others. 

God, what are you doing here? I would be honored if I could play a small part.

#SundaySundries