I Want to Trust You

The fact is I want to trust you, but I don’t. You’re my wife for goodness sake, how can I not trust you?

Marie, I know you are feeling the brunt of my depression. I know you haven’t seen your husband – the real guy you married – in a long long long time. I know I’ve been distant, unengaged, I’ve pushed you out physically, emotionally.

I’m sure you feel as though I’m a burden right now. I’m sure you are feeling as though I’m abandoning you right now. I’m fairly sure you are feeling resentment toward me for leaving right now to get treatment. You have expressed to me you don’t want or think I need to go. I know you are scared.

But the thing I am coming to terms with, painfully, is that I don’t trust you.

When you get up before me in the morning, I don’t know the mood you’re in. Will I get coffee bedside, or will I get abruptly woken with an impatient list of todo’s and questions about my day?

When I confess something from deep in my heart, will you store it and bring it out later to hurt me?
What hurts the most this week is this. I was really trying to keep my upcoming treatment a secret from the world. However, as I decide to share what I am gong through with friends and family, I have  felt overwhelming support. “Good for you”, “That is so brave”, “I’ve been through something similar, let me share with you”,”I wish you had told me sooner.”

But from you – “I feel like you don’t want to be here. This isn’t the best thing for our family right now”

Marie, it saddens me to say, I don’t think I trust you . . . with my heart.

I wish I could cry, but I can’t. I physically can’t.

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14 comments

  1. Oh boy. Have experienced this myself. My ex would say to me “Oh did your shrink tell you that?” followed by “How much do you pay her to tell you this nonsense?” No real support. It’s sad how those closest to us can’t truly fathom the pain of our depression. It’s more about how it affects them. I wish you the best, I wish you forward progress. I hope you find you. I’m pulling for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wonder how she would respond if you told her that? Really explain it the way you just wrote it. She might be grieving and resentful and those emotions can make us very self centered. Depression does make us selfish, but that’s because it’s the only way we are able to survive it. It drains so much energy just to function on a basic level that you have nothing left to give to anyone else. Self-preservation. That’s the nature of the beast and why it’s so important to seek help. It can’t be held against you, anymore than someone with diabetes should have their dietary or insulin needs held against them. I pray you and your wife are able to see this through and come out all the stronger for it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s a great way to process and sort through stuff. I understand the lack of energy in wanting to bring it up to your wife. But it might be a good idea to talk about it before you leave. But you know your situation best.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. our only hope to make it in our marriage is to be honest. she can’t fix what’s broke if she doesn’t know, she can’t support you if you don’t show her where you’re weak. she can’t prove her trustworthiness if you don’t show her where you’ve lost faith in her. i’m not saying she’ll give you what you need but unless you share it with her you’ll never know if she can. you are one of the most open, honest and brave people i know. i’m cheering and rooting and holding up signs and shouting from the stands like a lunatic for you. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh I feel you! Of all the people in the world you want/need to be able to trust with your heart, it is your spouse. And that is the one that cuts the deepest. God has got you, your marriage, your heart. Continue to let His love surround you and carry you and He will bring you through. He is always for you!

    Liked by 1 person

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