T – 5 days to Admission

I’ll check into the Lone Star State’s premier Nut House next Tuesday! It figures that Texas is THE place to go for depression these days. I figure half the state will be checking in with Romo out of commission for a while.

I’ll have to leave all my Broncos gear at home so I don’t get jumped!

The stress is a bit high in the house with the day approaching. Marie had a little melt down a couple of days ago. She was supposed to go to an appointment with me to my therapist – the new one I like who is cracking down on me (in a good way).

Marie all of a sudden was saying she didn’t want me to go in for treatment and why can’t I do a local intensive inpatient treatment.

I got this text the morning before our appointment on Tuesday:

 I am suddenly feeling angry at you going away. You have gone away a lot. I take care of things. But now you’re here and we are making a choice for you to go away again. It’s right at a time when Jamie is thriving and LB is in football and The Graduate is planning time at home. You are an important part of their lives and these times. Relationship problems always end up dealt with with someone leaving. Why can’t we figure this out and still live together. It’s about you getting well but also about us learning to live and thrive as a family. Maybe that’s not really what you want. Maybe you don’t want me/us for your happiness. We stress you out. We’re too loud. Too demanding…..too busy…

It’s as if you want a life but not ours. Home isn’t a family. In your mind it’s a place to go with complete calm and quiet and tranquility. I can’t ever give you that.

 

My Response

That’s not what depression is about. I think you should know this.

The reason we are far apart is I can’t trust you with my heart. I let you into this process and now you are trying to place blame on me and trying to make me feel guilty. I don’t trust you in an intimate way Marie.

And Marie

I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I’m asking you to look at the other factors our decisions affect.

I’m not sure you will ever let me in again. Not a matter of trust but rather I don’t think it’s what you want.

She came to the appointment that afternoon, but didn’t go in because she was crying. I understand her emotions, but don’t understand her thoughts.

She has come around. She apologized the next day.

BUT

I am realizing she is concerned about Marie. I don’t think she has looked at me ever and said, “Chris, just take care of yourself and get well. We will be here.”

I don’t think I’ve heard this.

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8 comments

  1. Wow. That’s a HUGE realization about your marriage. That’s the stuff of crossroads. I’m sorry you are not receiving the support you need from the most important person in your life. But you are doing what you need to do to get better. If you don’t take care of yourself, then who will?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I almost am afraid to comment because your words feel so heartfelt and personal… Congratulations on getting into the program. I’m praying that you get what you need out of it.

    From what’s written about Marie’s response it does seem like she might not understand what depression really is and focuses only on how your issues effect her. Forgive me for saying this but doesn’t that sorta go along with her being unwilling to speak to the therapist about sexual issues? She wants you to fix a complicated two-person issue yourself rather than risk feeling embarrassed with the therapist?! (I’m still surprised your therapist let her get away with that as none of mine would have. Maybe I just saw hard-asses, lol.)

    Reading that you can’t trust your wife with your heart in an intimate way is both heartbreaking and telling. I would think that loss of connection has to be playing a (not insignificant) part in your depression?! Anyhow, I pray that getting away for 4-6 weeks will allow you time to mentally heal and recharge away from the stresses of things/people you can’t control while at the same time gaining the skills/clarity needed to deal with home issues. Take care of yourself, Chris. Seriously.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. She is scared I would guess and can’t share her feelings well. I’m sure what seems like selfishness is meant well and she doesn’t want to lose you.
    I can also understand this does help you and puts you under pressure.
    Hope over time it works out for you, whatever the dice rolls.
    R.

    Liked by 1 person

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