Sexless??

 I know I am not the only one who struggles with this so here goes. I hope it helps someone, somehow.

This is your warning – this post is probably R Rated (at least PG-13)

This might be weird, but I just wanted to share some more personal stuff that might be helpful to some regarding my decrease in sexual desire over the past few years. I don’t want to be too graphic but want to be honest.

My wife and I probably are having sex about once every 6 weeks on average. The longest we have gone in the last year is 3 months with no sex. This is all on me. My interest in sex in general is very low. My wife is frustrated. 

  

In case you don’t know me, I’m 46 years old, married for 23 years (with a healthy sex life until about 4 years ago), in fairly good health. I’m a bit overweight but run about 10 miles a week and workout regularly. I also have suffered from major depression for a few years.

About 4 or 5 years ago my wife started to notice that I wasn’t as interested in sex – which to then had probably been one of the most healthy aspects of our 23 year marriage.

I talked to doctors and had testosterone levels checked THREE TIMES (I’m on the low side of the normal range). My Testosterone levels that I’ve had checked about annually for the last three years were 370, 420, 370. A “normal” range is something like 270-800 (look it up – that’s off the top of my head and I’m no doctor!!)

Since I’m in the normal range no one will give me a supplement for Testosterone.

  

I did get a prescription for Viagra. There have been times when I had trouble keeping an erection so Viagra is helpful. But mostly it just gives me a headache. Viagra does NOTHING for sexual desire, it is purely a physical help (like a splint?) when already aroused. My problem likely is less physiological and more psychological.

Just a note on Viagra if you get it or if you are thinking about it. It is expensive. Thankfully my insurance covers a few tablets a month. My insurance will pay for 6 tablets a month regardless of the dosage. So, I get 100 mg and then cut them in half which the doctor said is fine to do. This gives me 12 x 50 mg doses a month.

LOL I know what you are thinking – that is not sexless!! I quit getting the refills long ago and have an ample supply stocked up at home. Trust me, I don’t take them that often at all!!

One if the issues that I have noticed is that I only occasionally have erections in the morning – which since I was about 10 or 12 years old normally had occurred every morning like clockwork. I think most guys will get this. What I understand is that early morning (still sleeping) is when men commonly have a testosterone surge. So that is at least something that is a physiological difference for me. If I take a Viagra the night before, then usually I will wake up in the morning with an erection. This tells me some system is still working, albeit at low capacity. Still – an erection does not translate into the desire for sex. Plus if your wife is like mine, morning sex probably isn’t an options that often. 

This is really an emotional issue. It is embarrassing for me. I feel like less of a man because I know my wife still wants to have sex. One problem that has arisen is that she has quit trying. I’m sure she tried everything for a while and I rejected her.

But now she just say, “Are we ever going to have sex again?” or, “Are you ever going to talk to another doctor about your sex drive?” Of course this just makes me cower like a baby.

A couple of other points: I am taking anti-depressants which I know can affect sex drive. But the beginning of this issue predated any anti-depressants by about 2 years. However, it is possible thinking back that the beginnings of depression were coming on even then. Certainly the issues which would lead to the depression were in full swing.

I really think that therapy would help. We have been going to marriage counseling, and the issue has been mentioned as “an issue.” But my wife doesn’t want to talk about it with our counselor and honestly she may or may not ever want to talk about it in that setting. She even has a hard time talking to me about sex specifically.

Anyway – this is just a lot of info that is going on surrounding this issue. I have written a little about it and a few of you have mentioned similar struggles. So there it is. My life – naked and ashamed.

  

I hope this helps someone – even if for no other reason than to know you are not alone. Ask questions if you want.


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If you want a humorous if somewhat cynical approach to viagra for sexual dysfunctions from an actual MD, visit Behind the White Coat and search for Viagra. She has four great articles that will come up. (Plus she just has a great blog in general)

 

 

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13 comments

  1. I’m so sorry you and your wife are dealing with this. The same thing happened to my husband when he was depressed and/or on meds. It was really hard on our marriage. Hope you guys can figure something out to get on the same page here. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. well…isn’t this informative!

    my favorite part of sex is that no one else gets to have my hubby like i do. it’s only for me. no one gets to experience that level of closeness with him but me. and the thought of that drives me crazy!! in a good way…

    i’m pretty sure that is the intimacy that God intended for our marriages. i’m no marriage counselor but i do have a ton of sex. i have a couple ideas but i think i’ll email you the details…😉

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You’re not alone, but most people aren’t going to talk about it, for all the reasons you so honestly listed. Depression is quite possibly the biggest factor, not the medication, but I’m NOT a medical professional. That’s just my understanding, and I have a great personal understanding of depression!

    You’re doing so many things right. Running helps, going to counseling, and talking about it through this blog are all great measures. They aren’t cures but they are steps in the right direction.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorry you are going through this. I know it can be hard on both sides. I have the opposite problem to you (I’m in your wife’s position and my partner is in yours). You are doing really well though, I haven’t had sex in over 2 years. When you work out the answer let me know and I try it on the misses. Hope you find you mojo again. R.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey you sort of get used to it. I thought I wanted sex then I realised it was the whole sex life I need. Sex with no feeling of emotion behind it is just as bad as no sex (or worse as expectations are never met). Hey one day maybe we’ll all have our sex lives back. R.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing this. Yes, depression can totally effect sex drive, as can many things. One thing that helps when my husband and I are going through a dry spell is lots and lots of affection: hugs, kisses, hand holding, and snuggling close in bed. It doesn’t always lead to something, but it helps me at least.

    Liked by 1 person

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