My ‘friend’ asked me to start keeping a journal to help analyze the thoughts that might be causing depression. Well here it is:
With a group of peers, mostly younger who have not deployed and anxious to do so
Feelings & Severity:
Anger, nausea, longing to remove them from it (like a dad wants to protect his children from the world but knows he can’t) – maybe this is frustration? 70-80%
deployment isn’t at all something to wish for, it’s a bunch of shit. We glamorize it with patches and awards. But it is harmful in every way – there is no good that comes of it.
Found out a young lady I had spent time counseling and praying for got pregnant and married.
Defeated, deflated, sadness 60%
She didn’t really want this, but chose it. She is scared and lost and wants attention and affection.
Marie angrily, “I can’t handle you sitting and doing nothing. It’s starting to affect my brain in unhealthy ways.” (she means my depression is starting to cause her to become depressed)
angry, resentful, humiliated, misunderstood, judged
We did a lot this weekend and I’m taking a nap before we go out tonight with a group of people from work. You just spent and hour and a half getting ready by showering and doing make-up and I spent an hour and a half getting ready by taking a nap.
Walking to my truck after work
Sad, alone, like I want to cry (but I can’t)
Nothing at all – kind of zoned out
Situation (both happened within a minute of each other):
- Saw picture from Sept 2011 in Afghanistan
- Forgot ID Card in computer – had to reroute to visitor’s gate to gain access to post
- Sadness, grief – like I felt sorry for him (me) and missed him. like someone I love had died and I saw a picture.
- Frustration & Anger at myself – (I thought of it in the afternoon when packing, but still forgot. I didn’t realize until actually at the gate. My day was not busy, I didn’t have a lot on my mind) Annoyed (at myself and Army).
- like I felt sorry for him (me) and missed him. like someone I love had died and I saw a picture.
- (I thought of it in the afternoon when packing, but still forgot. I didn’t realize until AT the gate to post. My day was not busy, I didn’t have a lot on my mind)
When I got to my meeting after this I was totally flustered and agitated – talking and making noise – a guy next to me shushed me! Then I just crashed and stared into space. My mind was absolutely full and incapable of getting all the information. I was drowning.