The thing that has been hard to get a grip on for way too long now is how I feel from day to day. Some days I feel good, lucid, even happy. Other days I can hardly get through the day, I feel like crying (only once or twice have I actually done this – I do try to emulate some fashion of manhood still). The worst is when I don’t feel at all and I just sit and stare.
This last one is perplexing – I can just sit and stare at something for . . . . . a while. If someone interrupts it takes a moment to re-engage. It’s sort of like a screen-saver is on in my head and if you touch the keyboard, then my hard drive (or whatever is in a computer that makes it come alive) starts whirring, and in a few seconds life re-appears.
When I think back over the last four years I can see periods of just absolute non-productivity interrupted by short burst of feeling good. I don’t think at all that these are manic episodes, though I can see that I become quite productive during these periods. Sometimes they last just a few hours, or sometimes a few weeks.
My big problem is that for the most part when I think of “today” I JUST DON’T GIVE A SHIT. I love my family but today I just don’t give a shit. I know I need to continue to perform at work, but today I just don’t give a shit. I want to work on my marriage, but today I just don’t give a shit. I know when I work out I feel better, but today I just don’t give a shit. I know when I drink I drink too much and then feel low for several days, but today I just don’t give a shit. “Do you want to go with me tonight to pick out a cake for the party?” I can if you want, but honestly, today, I just don’t give a shit.
We all have days we feel this way, and we can get away with it sometimes. But when these days string together into weeks, and months, and then years, then we have issues. I have issues!
A guy I’ve been talking to (OK my therapist) told me recently, “Attitude follows action.” He said we won’t feel good about something until we do it. Therefore, in order to start caring and finding enthusiasm again, I need to stop staring and start doing. Sounds good, but to be just perfectly honest: Today I just don’t give a shit! Hahaha (yes I do make myself laugh)
I missed my planned swim yesterday, and this morning didn’t run because it was raining (good excuse). Going to try to get a swim in at lunch ….help ……. need …. endorphins.
Sorry for the pitty party here – it’s part of finding myself.
P.S. Saw this illustration by Kath Walker – it’s exaclty right! check out her blog and other illustrations!!
While persistent sadness is a feature of depression, the worst symptom of the disorder is, in my opinion, Anhedonia, or the inability to experience pleasure. You feeling nothing for anything. A tasty meal means nothing. A sunny day means nothing. Your favourite TV show means nothing. Your partner means nothing. So, this is how I felt a few weeks ago in the midst of a nasty visit from my old and not very welcome friend, Depression. Observing how I feel today, equipped with a more-or-less-back-to-normal toolkit of feelings and emotions, I can barely remember the flat grey landscape of the interior of my head. The image speaks for itself.